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Here goes. This is all for jokes, if you have a better description or one is missing, just comment and I'll add it in ;)
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Edit: Fuck formatting a list this long
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03-15 17:13 - 'The day the banks got a quantum computer.' (self.Bitcoin) by /u/Serialnvestor removed from /r/Bitcoin within 11-21min

'''
the day was like any other. I got up, got dressed, showered and then I went to work. I checked the btc price as I booted up my laptop and went to write a bit of angular code for an antiquated page that wouldn't work without angular.
I sighed. I went to check the btc balance... and wtf. That couldn't be right. There was simply no trading activity on bittrex. That was confusing. Bittrex was down, binance was not allowing logins, kucoin was saying that btc was "suspended" Well that was not good. I went to my old coinbase account, and tried to buy bitcoin. Coinbase wasn't selling. Gdax trading had stopped.
Well... shit. Time to look at the blockchain itself. I popped open block explorer, and I was horrified. There were millions of transactions that had all been triggered. The mempool was swamped. And every single transaction was sending the entire contents of their wallet to one of the btc eater addresses. The entire money supply of bitcoin had been... burned.
I sat back in horror. I searched the blockchain for my wallet. My measly hoard of 10.5 btc had also been burned. I now had... no money. This.... was bad.
I told my boss I was feeling ill, went to my bank, got my private key, booted up my bitcoin core wallet and looked at my balance. 0btc. This was... pretty terrible.
I turned on the television a month later. Apparently, wells fargo had bought a supercomputer from the nsa, because the nsa was broke, because their director had gotten into a fight with trump in 2021 over russian soldiers on us soil, and trump had gotten their funding reduced to zero dollars. So they had sold a quantum computer to wells fargo. Wells fargo had turned around and used that supercomputer to calculate the private keys of every bitcoin wallet in existence and then.... shut the network down. Burned it with fire. Boom. Gone.
They had gone through not just bitcoin but through thousands of alt coins.
There were only a few surviving cryptocurrencies that had survived the fiery attack by the banksters. Those were the quantum immune cryptocurrencies. They had changed their PoW algorithm, or they signed their addresses differently, or they used one time signatures.
There were congressional hearings, and several people went to jail, wells fargo disavowed use of a quantum device to destroy bitcoin but they were found out.
That was the day that bitcoin had a fork to bitcoin-q. It was a non contentious fork, but that was only the beginning of bitcoin's woes. People had lost faith in btc, and another crypto had risen to take its place in marketcap and individual coin price. It had been a small and insignificant alt before the quantum attack. It had been worth less than $5 before the quantum hack. Now, it was worth well over $5000 (in rubles). It had STOLEN btc's value.
And that all happened because on a forum post in 2018, 3 years before the btc hack went down, a lone cryptographer on the btc forums on reddit who was yelling at other redditors about the need for a quantum secure blockchain protocol had been ignored and the users had gone on without realizing the absolute horrifying quantum danger the good ship btc was sailing into...
We need to implement quantum secure wallets or some other method to prevent quantum attacks. This needs to have happened yesterday, because soon a quantum computer will emerge. And then a malicious person will get their hands on it. And they will use the quantum computer to steal bitcoin, burn the system down, or launch 51% attacks. Quantum is an emerging threat that can kill bitcoin in an instant if we don't fix the quantum loopholes in the blockchain's armor. So get off your thumbs, tweet to the devs, write proposals, write code and lets get to work implementing a patch of some sort.
'''
The day the banks got a quantum computer.
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Author: Serialnvestor
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